CW: this post discusses abuse and may be upsetting for some readers.
Most people have heard of — and possibly accused someone of — gaslighting.
Merriam – Webster labelled gaslighting the ‘word of the year’ last year.
Earlier this year, actor Jonah Hill was accused of gaslighting after his ex – partner, Sarah Brady leaked his texts. The texts that were made public demanded that Brady delete photos of her in her bikini from Instagram.
Other ‘boundaries‘ Hill alkegedly included: not surfing with men, no modelling and not befriending women who were in “unstable places”. Apparently “getting a lunch or coffee” was OK, though.
In an Instagram caption to a screenshot showing the texts, Brady wrote:
This is a warning to all girls. If your partner is talking to you like this, make an exit plan, call me if you need an ear.
Brady said that she felt gaslit. Was she?
What is gaslighting?
What exactly is gaslighting?
Medical News Today defined gaslighting as:
…a form of psychological abuse where a person causes someone to question their sanity, memories or perception of reality
‘What is gaslighting?’, Jennifer Hulzen, updated 30 No ember 2023
The term originated from the 1944 film, Gaslight. In the film, Paula marries pianist, Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer) years after the murder of her aunt. Anton is the murderer. When Paula and Gregory move to the aunt’s house, strange events start happening. These events — orchestrated by Gregory — made Paula feel like she’s losing her mind.
According to Very Well Mind, gaslighting usually happens in abusive relationships.
Possible signs someone is a victim of gaslighting
Gaslighting is often insidious, However, victims may show warning signs. These include:
- Severe self – doubt; second guessing yourself
- Feeling ‘crazy’ or ‘wrong’
- Trusting other’s decisions, but not your own
- Over apologising and excusing the abuser’s bad behaviour
- Feelimg depressed, lonely and confused
- Deep down, something doesn’t feel ‘right’.
What gaslighting isn’t
Gaslighting isn’t a one – off event
Former professor, narriage and family therapist and podcaster, Dr. Kirk Honda describes gaslight8ng as a ‘campaign. It’s not a one – off event.
Victims of gaslighting often don’t know they’ve gaslit
Secondly, gaslighting isn’t obvious. In previous content, Dr. Honda has said that victims of gaslighting don’t know they’ve been gaslit until after the end of an abusive relationship; often in therapy.
Gaslighting isn’t simply lying
As you can probably guess by now, gaslighting isn’t simply lying. It’s often an insidious campaign in which an abuser chips away at the victim’s sense of teality and their instincts.
Why does this matter?
Does it matter how the word gaslighting is used?
I think so. Survivors of abuse need a voice. They need language to express what they’ve gone through. They don’t need people diminishing their traumas by misusing the term.
However, last year, even Dr Honda conceded that words’ meanings do change over time. Still, I think we still need to be careful to not minimise someone’s trauma.
Lastly, I just want to add that, I have no idea what happened between Jonah Hill and Sarah Brady. I don’t know whether or not gaslighting occurred in their relationship. I just wanted to talk about what gaslighting is and isn’t. At least in the traditional sense.
If you are in Australia and am experiencing domest8c abuse, contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732). If you are in danger, call 000 or your national emergency number.
Thank you, Claire for providing this resource for DV survivors:
https://helpingsurvivors.org/rideshare-sexual-assault/
